A Nice Cuppa

Coffee is complementary. It is harmonious with food, be it a bagel or chunky wedge of coffee cake; sweet or savory meal. It plays off the taste buds and paves the way for a bun gooey with cinnamon or makes a palatable runway for that perfect bite of omelet to land. And it is so gosh-darned complementary because of its inherent flavor.
So why is everyone trying to muck it up?

I ventured into a Dunkin Donuts the other day to order a latte. But when I ordered it, I was asked to specify that I wanted a coffee-flavored latte. Coffee-flavored? Coffee IS the flavor! Is this a trick question? Is Allen Funt around here somewhere?
Suddenly faced with a Chinese menu of choices, I was agape at their selection of coffee flavors: Blueberry. Marshmallow. Coconut. Raspberry. Why, oh why, are these flavors mixing and mingling with my beloved java? Blueberries have no place in a mug! It is all at once ridiculous and sacrilegious.

When I order my morning cup, I intend to drink it with my breakfast. And unless Lucky Charms are on the menu, that???s no place for a marshmallow. Now I do indulge in the caf?? mocha from time to time, complete with a blob of ethereally yummy whipped cream on top. But that???s a dessert in and of itself, and should be treated as one. When I have a cup of coffee, I want a cup of coffee ??? and not some odd amalgamation of phony flavors.

Vanilla-flavored coffee I can make a case for; vanilla is by nature ???plain??? (the beige of the culinary world), with only a very subtle perfume that doesn???t mask coffee???s proud identity. But many of these other new-fangled flavored coffees come off tasting downright strange. These are flavors that were never meant to be combined. You wouldn???t find me trying to order a cherry-infused steak or a blueberry and tuna sandwich. Yes, these examples are egregious and designed to sound utterly disgusting. But in my book, many of the flavor blends passing for coffee these days are not all that different.

I suppose at the heart of the problem is that many of the ???fast food??? coffees are terrible to begin with, and the skewed logic is that by masking them with tempting sounding fruits and spices, people will somehow not notice how terrible the actual coffee is. Nope, this trick didn???t work on me. Now they just taste even more terrible.

Don???t get me wrong, I???m a big patron of Dunkin Donuts and many other chain establishments that purvey coffee. But I take it on the simple side; I want to know that it???s coffee that I???m drinking. Coffee was never meant to be a bottled energy drink labeled with a minimum of five bombastic adjectives (Try our coconut-caramel super-charged morning brew beverage drink!). Are these prefaces supposed to make it seem more enticing? As far as I???m concerned, coffee can stand alone as nature intended. It doesn???t need to be defined ??? or redefined.

But this beverage craze simply points to a larger social theme ??? the limitless choices that this nation prides itself on. You cannot walk down a grocery store aisle without being bombarded with more cereal choices than you could ever possibly know what to do with (including the aforementioned Lucky Charms, of course). If you want to buy a pen to write with, well, brace yourself for a fifteen-minute selection process. (Ballpoint? Rubber grip? Fine line? Glittery design?)
Are we that easily bored? Do we need that much change in our daily stimulation? Apparently the brewers of coffee think so.

But what goes around comes back around, so I guess this leaves room for ???coffee-flavored coffee??? to become the ???retro??? choice that will one day be trendy again.

I???ll stay tuned for that in ten years.